Goodbye Dolly!

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It’s the end of an era after 46 years in print Dolly is over or as us Dolly girls would say Ov-ah!

I am so sad for girls who won’t know the appreciation of “Dolly day” at school where you and your friends poured over every word and circled your dream outfit which funnily enough has all come back in fashion minus the body glitter and thick soled Sketchers.

We didn’t need sex education we had “Dolly Doctor” I remember ripping open the sealed section with the same anticipation I now use to rip open my online shopping arrivals.

I remember laughing at the “naughtiness” of it all but secretly being intrigued and sometimes even glad I had read something I wanted to know but would never had asked my parents about.

Dolly was my friend I took her everywhere with me she helped bond my friendships, form my first “crushes” like Joshua Jackson and Beau Brady and it was also gave me a glimpse into other girls around Australia and what they were thinking and feeling.

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Dolly is responsible for my first vision board which was way before Oprah coined the term. I would spend hours picking, cutting and pasting together collages for my school books. I took such pride in picking the images that best represented me it helped give me a sense of identity.

Many sleepovers were spent joyously reading aloud each of our horoscopes and wondering how they knew exactly what was going on in our lives.

I know that Dolly is staying online and call me old school but I still think there is something special about cutting, pasting and flicking a page amongst friends, screen time to me is so fickle it demands less attention and provides more distraction, a better offer is just a tab away.

I am well past the reading age of Dolly but it still didn’t stop all the nostalgia from kicking in, As soon as I heard this news I was taken right back to the freckly red headed girl who once read that freckles were in so she felt better about herself and I was also taken back to a place where I would blast my Hanson CD and stare at a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prince JR and think how perfect they are for each other.

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Like I mentioned before it really is the end of an era and like Dolly it’s time for us all to embrace the new online Dolly and all I can say is thanks for the memories and thank god Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prince are still going strong the only difference is now when I stare at a picture of them  I am stalking their Instagram feeds and for the record I still think they are perfect for each other .

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ILL BE HONEST I HATE THE RACES!

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I hate the races. There I said it, I have done them all from Randwick to Carathool and it is only after I finally said no to an all-expenses paid day at the races and had no regrets that I came to this realisation.

It has all the elements of a good time, you and your besties dolled up to the nines and able to day drink with no judgement but I liken the races to Cinderella once the clock strikes 12 pm and you have taken all your selfies and are five drinks in and starving for greasy food the glamour wears off.

You are left with standing room only crowds and the blazing sun melting your make up away your feet are four times the size and your spanx have become a sauna for your middle section.

Finding a spot in the shade has the odds of me winning the Melbourne cup.

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Not even a filter can hide how tired we were after lining up all day 

In the mist of all this drinking, shock horror you must use the bathroom and everyone knows this an avoid at all costs situation post 12pm due to the lack of dunny paper and just common decency. Your bathroom trip is one you must psyche up for and don’t forget to allow yourself the half an hour wait to the point where you are dancing to no music and about to bust.

Then comes the confusing form guides every year someone insists on explaining it to you and so begins to the long and confusing process you nod along and hope there isn’t a quiz at the end.

Ignoring it all you pick the name that jumps out at you and feeling confident and full of champas you put a win only on some random name and just like that there goes your last twenty.

So begins the trek to the ATM by this stage you have given up looking gracious and hobble along like a newborn giraffe and put yourself in yet another line see the theme here?

 You are herded around and lined up more than the horses.

By this stage you have sobered up in the long bar line looked around and caught your friends eye after seeing her getting bumped around in the crowd like a dodgem car you can tell you are both thinking the exact same thing get me out of here!

Oh if only you were Dorothy and could click your Tony biancos three times to get your home.

HA! So begins the journey to your lounge and cold left over pizza first you must find the rest of your drunk friends who have either lost their phones or have no signal after you round them all up you get talked into staying a little bit longer so your friend can chat up a guy she met in the bar line.

Before you know it the last race is run and now the real race begins, for a maxi taxi you so desperate to get out of there that you whip off the heels oh gawd that feels good! and go for it dragging your friends along and dodging the crying girls and guys throwing up in the bin.

The real winner of the day is when you push your way through the crowd quick enough to see that white beacon of light travelling towards you, you wave that cabbie down as if you have been stranded on a deserted island.

Once you have shut that door and sworn to never do that again you hear a voice from behind you I think I’m going to be sick.

Me to.

I’m going through an anti social phrase of my life and I’m okay with that.

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At the moment I find myself declining invitations and am much happier for it, up until now I have been a social yes girl.
It could be a result of the fact that I have moved several times for work over the last couple of years and have been desperate to create a social life wherever I am or it could also be the fact that I have major FOMO.

Social media has made saying no to things that much harder you may say no to that halloween party mid afternoon when you are still dealing with last nights hangover but as soon as the selfies start flooding your newsfeed you hit pause on Netflix and start deliberating how late is fashionably late and will bedsheets cut it as a costume.

In the past I have prided myself on always being up for a drink or a catch up whenever I was asked or invited anywhere. I was so happy to have an invitation that I said yes as quick as they asked.

Like I mentioned before I have moved several times which means that awkward first couple of months where you are so desperate for a readymade friendship circle that you will go anywhere with anyone to find it, even if that means an exhausting mid week Tupperware presentation at a middle aged colleagues house.

I don’t regret this attitude in fact I attribute it to finding some of my closest friends to date but as someone who has just moved to a new town again I have decided to cut myself a break.

This time around I decided to do things back the front by learning how to make a schedule that suits me and doing things with myself and my boyfriend and only going to things Im totally up for.

In saying that I have still managed to meet a great bunch of girls who I have clicked with and then came a constant stream of invites in the past I would have exhausted myself and put my relationship second to say yes to everything but this time around I flow in and out their social occasions and they seem to be totally fine with that.

I have decided to take stock and control of my time and let me dictate how I spend it. I no longer will be guilted into going to something if I don’t want to spend the money or am exhausted after work, I will say no and if you have my best interests at heart you will understand that.

After about the second or third thanks but no thanks I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling empowered.

I have also learnt a lot about being alone and enjoying my own company I have bought a hammock and have decided that some of the best hangs are with a great book a glass of wine and no-one around.

WHY DO DANCEFLOORS BRING OUT THE WORST IN HUM- MAN- ITY?

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We have all heard our grandparents tell us the story of how they met at a local dance it sounded all very civilised and very romantic.
He watched me from across the room and then he asked me politely if I would like to dance, so we waltzed all night long.
Somehow between now and then men have reverted back to caveman times and think that bashing on their chests and dragging a woman towards them is the way to get our attention.
Let me tell you it’s NOT.
Times have changed, I get it and there is no waltzing to Akon’s Smack that .
Whatever happened to asking a girl to dance with you, Instead of doing as one friend puts it the sneak attack.
We as women have all been sneak attacked at some point or another.
It always happens just as you start to let your guard down and turn your back next thing you know you have someone gyrating into your back and the arms come round through your arms just as if you were playing that game as kids and then comes the vodka red bull breath on your neck.
Why do they always look so offended when you push them away?

How did they honestly think this would play out?
Imagine if you took away the alcohol and the loud music and men were just walking around trying their luck by grabbing women and pushing their junk on their leg hoping one will be desperate enough to somehow be impressed.
That’s when the police would be called because that’s harassment so why is it tolerated and even accepted as soon as you step on a dance floor?
I love going out dancing. I don’t love being touched inappropriately!

So why do I have to accept that its part of the package?
(pardon the pun)
You might be thinking if I don’t like it why do I still go out?
Some people like to go for a massage at the end of the week to wind down, I like to go out with friends and listen to music and dance the night away – plus its great cardio!
So why shouldn’t I be able to partake in something I enjoy without being harassed?!
There is nothing magic about Mike half cut trying to grab at you!
Time for a new act guys.

WAYS YOUR LATE TWENTIES WILL MESS WITH YOU

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I read the other day that the quarter life crisis age (yes that’s a thing) has been shifted to happen now around twenty eight, so if that’s correct I have so much to look forward to this year!
Let’s be honest your late twenties can be a tough gig.
You finally get past the awkwardness of your teenage years and the craziness of your early twenties and things start to look up, you find the right foundation to match your complexion, manage to keep a house plant alive….(cactuses count right?!) and if you are lucky commit to a puppy.
Just as you start to get a bit comfortable the looming deadline of your thirties starts to hang over you just like those deadlines you stayed awake all night to meet at uni.
You start procrastinating and hoping you will get an extension to get everything you wanted to get done in your twenties done: find a stable relationship, have a fulfilling  career, get together a deposit on a house, travel , learn a language , learn to cook and the list goes on…………..
Your Facebook feed suddenly becomes and endless cycle of announcements babies, engagements, house purchases and promotions all making you miss the stupid updates on Myspace from your emo friends……. What you would give to go back to a simpler time!
Life seems to be fast forwarded for everyone but you.
All of a sudden people are throwing around scary terms like adult and referring to you! When did you become the adult!?
Can we press pause and start this again I wasn’t ready!
While others are living in their grown up houses which they got in an affordable house and land package you are emptying your change jar to get a bottle of red to go with your Noodle Box.
When you were in your early twenties it was funny even encouraged to throw caution to the wind and take a chance on quitting your job , spending your savings or even having shots but in your late twenties your are told even scolded to think everything through thoroughly.
I need that crappy job I have a phone plan to pay and health insurance, I need those saving and I can’t deal with a hangover I have a full work week!
But true to form and not ready for thirty you chance it all by still having nights out, eating from a takeaway containers, only brushing your hair every second day and maxing out your credit card.
But hey you still have two years before thirty to somehow get it all together and learn to adult.
#blessthismess

Things I prefer to do in private

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#dontlookatme

We all have moments when we are alone and we do something that even weirds yourself out like pulling that ugly make up face or plucking that chin hair and you thank god for doors or work hours that allow you that couple of hours alone in the afternoon to let your freak flag fly!

I love my alone time I crave it and here are somethings that I feel could do without an audience.

GROOMING

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Chin hair plucking, eye brow tinting leg shaving – They say its all about enjoying the journey but when it comes to this I would rather just meet you at the destination looking pretty and polished.

DRIVING

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I hate driving with anyone in the car I feel like you are judging me and I hate having to constantly justify my  road decisions so what I almost had a close call BUT DID YOU DIE!?!

TRYING ON OUTFITS

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I mean the trying on session before you do the trying on session in front of your friends, you know the one where you try bra on or bra off Spanx  or no Spanx and you turn sideways and suck your belly in and out.

The one where you bend over in front of the mirror to see if you can see your undies poking out and then you narrow it down to the five least offensive to show your friends.

BINGE WATCHING NETFLIX

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Whoever come up with Netflix and chill for a hook up date is dumb seriously who thought meeting up with that tinder guy then going to his house where you pretend to be comfortable and sit awkwardly watching a sex scene was a great idea!

Errrybody knows the correct way to binge watch anything is with no bra on covered in Dorito dust and your own mess as you haven’t left your bed all day.

EXCEPTION: Anyone who has seen you at your worst because lets be honest when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the screen between eps it ain’t pretty!

FOOD FLURRIES

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Sometimes there is no room to be polite sometimes you just need to get that food alone and have what I call a food flurry.

  The kind when you resist the urge to eat in the car and as soon as you close the door behind you, you go to town because ain’t nobody got time to clean as you go!

LISTENING TO ADELE

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If we are being honest its an emotional roller coaster that sees you belting out her lyrics at the top of your lungs as you tear up and flail your arms around and stare dramatically at your reflection in the mirror.

In writing this list my boyfriend has literally seen me do every single one so I guess the point of this is once you get to that point in your relationship or friendship when they have seen too much , you either have to draw up a confidentiality agreement or just stick it out because  you have come too far.

Dear lady friends,

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I love you!
I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and we just celebrated our 5 year anniversary but I also want to give a shout out to the lady friends in my life on International Women’s Day.
You have given me so much over the years!
There have been tears, laughter, hangovers, dance floor breakdowns, wine whinges, break ups and make ups and the result of all that is me being a better person.
I have had the awesome opportunity of collecting a lot of awesome chicks in my travels whilst moving around and even holding on to a few from school and even though I have physically moved on your presence in my life hasn’t.
I’m so grateful to have such a safety net in all of you knowing you are always just at the other end of the phone.
When you are the new girl in town you crave that deeper conversation and hope that the girl in the office you think is awesome will have a bit more depth to her and maybe even be open to a wine on a Wednesday with you, you make the effort because you know that even though you have your boyfriend and his support in your life you need that female connection.
I can hand on heart say it’s a myth all women are out to get you, yes there maybe a few bad eggs but don’t let it deter you because when you find that one that’s got your back you feel fearless!
I have also enjoyed being a friend as much as I have basked in your friendship when you come to me for help I’m happy to give it always because I know you are to and it gives me a sense of pride to be in some small part responsible for your happiness and see you reach your goals.
When aspects in my life haven’t been great friendships were my buffer when the worst possible scenario played out in my life friendships were there waiting to help and pour the wine.
When I am feeling restless I jump in the car and get to my nearest friendship so I can reboot, reassess and let my hair down.
So to all the women in my life and to the ones who I haven’t yet met I bloody love you and thank you for all that you do, because as cheesy as it sounds:

I wouldn’t be me without you!

#thatrhymes

TIMES YOU HAVE BEEN LEO NOT WINNING AN OSCAR

 Because Leo your not the only one who has experienced true failure.

THAT TIME YOU WHEN YOU WENT TO REACH FOR YOUR BAG FRIES AND THERE WERE NONE

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THAT TIME YOU WERE SITTING IN A DARK THEATER AFTER SEEING ZOOLANDER 2

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THAT TIME YOU TIRED TO DO AN ONLINE MAKE UP TUTORIAL BEFORE MEETING YOUR TINDER DATE

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THAT TIME YOU ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED GUY TO WIN AUSTRALIAN IDOL AND INSTANTLY REALISED YOU MADE A MISTAKE BUT IT WAS TOO LATE AND YOU ARE CONVINCED YOUR ONE VOTE PLAYED APART IN THE BIGGEST AUSTRALIAN INJUSTICES EVER COMMITTED.

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THAT TIME YOU  TRUSTED YOUR MUM TO BRING YOU BACK A SHIRT FROM THAILAND AND YOU ACTUALLY FOR A SECOND LIKE AN IDIOT LOOKED FORWARD TO WHAT SHE GOT YOU ONLY TO BE PRESENTED WITH THIS:

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THAT TIME  YOU ASKED FOR VEGEMITE ON TOAST AT GRANDMAS AND SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD TAKE YOU FOR A FOOL AND YOU WERE NOT PREPARED TO GET INTO IT WITH HER OVER JUST HOW OUT OF LINE SHE WAS SO YOU SUCKED IT UP AND HAD TO EAT THIS CHEAP POISON

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THAT TIME THEY CUT YOU A “6 INCH” SUB AND PICKED THE SMALLER SIDE

THAT TIME THAT  YOUR SO CALLED “FRIEND” TELLS YOU YOUR QUEEN OPRAH IS KIND OF EGOTISTICAL AND BASICALLY RUINS YOUR IDOL FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY KINDA HAVE A POINT

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THAT TIME YOU LEFT THE HOUSE AFTER SPENDING TWO HOURS HOLDING DOWN FAKE EYELASHES SO THEY WILL STAY AND YOU SNEEZED AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE

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THAT TIME YOU PUT IN THE PERFORMANCE OF YOUR LIFE IN TITANIC AND STILL DIDN’T WIN THE OSCAR SO YOU UP’ED THE ANTE AND SURVIVED SUB ZERO TEMPERATURES, SLEPT IN AN ANIMAL CARCASS AND DEVELOPED HYPOTHERMIA AND STILL DIDN’T WIN THE BLOODY THING AND NOW YOU REALISE  WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR NEXT YEAR

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DEAR REBEL

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Last year Rebel Wilson was busted big time lying about her age .
Someone she attended school with came forward last year and told Woman’s Day the actress was actually 36 years old and in school her name was Melanie Bownds.
She responded this tweet:
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Then stayed mum on the whole situation even after the evidence mounted and it was clear she lied.
She is finally speaking tonight, it has been revealed she addresses the issue with Julia Zemiro’s on her show Home Delivery.
She says:
“…The reality is, when you work in America, you have to show your passport and your visa for every single job,” she said. “So it’s not like you can hide how old you are. So for the press to do a story that I was deliberately, you know, lying or whatever … No, I was just being a lady and not telling my age when I moved to America. And that’s not really a crime. Also, most actresses do that.”
I was so disappointed reading that cop out …………….
I was just being a lady and not telling my age.
That’s exactly why you should tell your age!
I believe the word you are looking for isn’t ladylike it’s deceptive because that’s what you were being.
You also explain that you booked the jobs with them knowing full well what age you were so it’s not like you were doing it to stay in a job and even if you were maybe you should have taken a stronger stance in that situation.
I refuse to believe your success and talent all comes down to two digits.
For a girl called Rebel you sure know how to conform when you need to.
I’m so disappointed because I am such a fan you were a burst of fresh air amongst the Hollywood standard and you refused to be body shamed so why did you become so ashamed of your age something you have no control over.
Your story to me is actually a lot more interesting with your real age included because it gives hope to those out there who get to a certain age and think they are too old to fur fill their dreams.
So stop with the excuse all the actresses are doing it so there is nothing wrong because if you are not going to be a solution to ageism in Hollywood at the least I would hope you wouldn’t be a part of the problem like you have become.

#ownyourage

Seagull mystery SOLVED!

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If Chris Harrigan was on The Graham Norton Show nobody be chair tippin’ this dudes story because its EPIC and much like Making a Murder it satisfies us in the moment only to leave us confused and wanting more at the end.
Let’s take a look deeper into this guy’s story because everyone wants the truth even if we can’t handle it!
I’m no Nancy Drew but I have the internet so basically that’s all you need to qualify as an expert these days.
FIRSTLY let’s look at the source CHRIS HARRIGAN.

BOOM off to an interesting start after Google searching this so called Chris Harrigan the first thing that pops up is THE SMITH JOURNAL and shows him as a contributor

so dude knows how to write a story hmmm……..

As I dug (clicked) a little deeper the only article is a review of some weird movie FRANK.
Did he even watch the movie before reviewing it we will never know but the review sounds legit.

(but so does the seagull story.)

According to his Facebook page he lives in Melbourne which is 48 minutes away from Frankston so geographically his story checks out because he is likely to have known someone who knows someone who may have been on that train.

THE FRIEND –

The unidentified friend is not gender specific – AT THE START- but then later in the story he says :

And while she was waiting for the train to come, she noticed a man sittin.

According to the reputable Daily mail women have better memory recall than men making her a more reliable source if we are basing this around gender.
THE TIMEFRAME –

Let’s take a look at this in real time.

Let’s say those fish and chips have been carried from a nearby take away and cooked fresh.

It seems when SHE started observing SEAGULL DUDE he had already sat down and let them air which means that between all that it probably would’ve only taken a couple of minutes to let them cool down.
Let’s stay on this point for a sec SHE makes reference to him not eating the Fish and Chips which could prove this was premeditated rather than opportunistic.
It seems that SHE was there observing SEAGULL DUDE for a while as SHE had enough time to see the slow build of his plan :

He’d toss one a foot or so away from him. It was like he was beckoning them to come closer.

Keep in mind she is waiting for a train it’s impossible to tell from the story what train she was waiting for but let’s say it was the Melbourne line – where let’s say CHRIS HARRIGAN was waiting to pick her up, where she was retell the epic story to him.

According to the Frankston timetable give or take the wait for the Melbourne line depending on the time is around 10 minutes giving her enough time to witness this unfold.

THE EVENT –

Right before the doors closed, the man threw the entire bag of the fish and chips into the train. The entire flock of seagulls followed the bag. And the doors closed. Inside the train: pandemonium.
The next train stop was five minutes away.

SO.MANY.QUESTIONS.

This next bit depends on a number of factors lining up which is that SEAGULL DUDE was sitting very close to the train doors to throw the fish and chips whilst still sitting down.

On this point that means he would’ve been in the way of people getting on and off the train and also take into account MIND THE GAP!
Secondly the timing of when the doors closed SHE makes reference to: 15 or 20 birds and says the entire flock makes it inside the train before closing its doors

I find this hard to believe.

Fingers crossed there were no birds hurt.

Based on all this my findings are :

I NEED TO GET A FREAKING LIFE AND GET OFF THE INTERNET*

*this applies to those reading this

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